Kwaree Blog

Why Did Windows Vista Fail?

I was reading an article entitled, “Mac fanboys should get a life and some Windows 7 common sense” today and came across a line that piqued my interest. The line was this: “Vista was a Windows failure.”

When I read that line, I stopped cold for a second or two. I started thinking and asking myself silly questions, like, “Gee, I’m working on Vista right now. What’s wrong with it?” and “Why is it that when ever I read something about Windows Vista, it’s negative?” and “Why do I feel like every computer I go near that has Vista installed on it is going to blow up like a giant stink bomb?” Seriously, I am typing on a machine running Windows Vista right this very moment and the world is okay.

I am not simply sticking up for Microsoft, although I was just saying a few days ago that it wouldn’t really matter what position someone takes, I am bound to take the opposite one. I am a debater by nature and right now Vista is the underdog. So there you are.

I will tell you this, I absolutely hate Internet Explorer. It doesn’t matter what version comes out, it pains me to open the program. Maybe it’s because it is excruciatingly slow. It’s not only slow to browse web pages, it’s also slow to just open and run. I read a comparison between the latest versions of IE, Firefox and Chrome the other day. They said that speed was generally the same among all three applications. My eyes nearly fell out of my head. I was like, “What planet are you from?” I only use IE for one thing now and I don’t look forward to it.

I also hate ActiveSync. I used to use it to sync my Treo with Outlook. It was such a waste of time. How many times can a person sever and restore the relationship between the phone and the computer? My fingers used to hurt from crossing them so much.

This brings me to the last thing (I think) I don’t like from Microsoft…and that is Windows Mobile. When I was using Windows Mobile on that Treo, I must have given that phone a hard reboot hundreds of times. It pushed me into the arms of Blackberry, where I have been warmly embraced ever since. I have had my Blackberry for about two years now. Do you know how many times I had to reboot the phone? Once. That’s right. I had to reboot the phone once since I got it and that was just last week and the problem wasn’t even with the phone. It had to do with a Google app that had a bug. Now that’s good.

So, back to my original question. What in the world is wrong with Vista? It is just that there were some compatibility issues when it first came out? Does it have to do with usability issues? Do people dislike the little box that pops up when they have to install or uninstall software?

Since I really don’t know the answer and really have only had a few problems with Vista, I decided to do a little Google search. Here are some sites that offered me some answers:

- The top five reasons why Windows Vista failed
- Microsoft admits Vista failure
- Why Vista failed – suicide by not fearing Linux enough

I guess there are some legitimate reasons why people are a little ticked off. Especially when the company that made the software admits it didn’t work out. I seem to think they are just pumping up Windows 7 though. You know, if you say your previous product (which is naturally dying off soon anyway) was so bad, it makes people want your new product that much more. “Gee, this new Windows 7 must be really GREAT!!!” Honestly, if you want to beat up on a version of Windows, you should have beat up on Windows 98. I am still having shivers from that one. Want to talk about blue screen?

I gotta tell you something. Maybe a lot of the people who are complaining about Vista are open source users. Over the last year, I have actually transitioned myself to use more open source programs than traditional ones. Maybe that’s an exaggeration. I use a few though. I really like what I use. Most of them are smooth, lightweight, fast and have frequent updates. I can’t wait for the day that I have the guts to actually switch to an open source operating system. That probably won’t happen for some time because I am not one to sit and struggle with configurations or trying to see what works with what. I am impatient. If it doesn’t work quickly, it gets uninstalled.

Here’s a question – What has Vista done to you? I would like to hear from real people with real problems. I’m sick of the biased bloggers out there who now have a venue to talk smack. I don’t believe any of them. The problem is, many people do. So, let’s have it.

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John Deere X300 Mulching Kit

So, I have basically shifted into reverse from where I was last year at this time. If you remember, I got a rear bagger for my John Deere X300. The reason I got the bagger was to suck up all the leaves that fall off the trees. Just to let you know, it does a great job. Last year, this lawn was spotless.

A funny thing happened over the Summer. I did a lot of work in the woods. As I was working, I kept walking over these really soft and fertile areas of ground. At times, I would push the top layer of mulched leaves (this is the area I dumped all the leaves I picked up last year) just to see what was going on. Each time I pushed the leaves off the dirt, I would find this beautiful black soil. I was astounded. The leaves that I had dumped in the woods last year had composted and turned into nutrient packed soil. And, this soil was chock full of worms. You should see it. Maybe tomorrow I will take a picture of it. The worms are HUGE.

So what I have been doing rather slowly over the past few weeks is to dig up the compost and sift it into the wheelbarrow. Then, I go out to various parts of the yard and toss the compost all over the place. From what I hear, that’s good for the lawn. It is a lot of work though.

Let me tell you what has happened since I started using the bagger. I mowed and bagged and mowed and bagged. About half way through the Summer, I had this nagging suspicion that something was wrong. I kept asking myself this question – If I keep sucking up all the grass clippings and leaves, where the heck is the lawn going to get any organic materials from? I did some research and pretty much came to the conclusion that I was removing all the goodness from the lawn soil. They call “soil” with no nutrients in it “dirt.” I tend to trust my conclusion because there are parts of the lawn that are really green and lush. Those parts have better soil than the parts that are all burnt out looking. The dry grass areas have dirt that is really hard and inhospitable for growing grass.

As much as I am outside fiddling around, I do really try to cut the work load down to a minimum. I love working, but I’m not dumb. With that in mind, I did a little thinking and figured that it was foolish to suck up leaves, dump them in the woods, wait for them to break down and then dig up the compost to spread on the lawn. Why not just mulch the leaves and grass clippings right there on the lawn? I did all sorts of research on this idea and it seems to be the wave of the future. Or, at least what people have been doing since the dawn of time, before we all turned into a bunch of pansies and had to have perfectly manicured lawns. Sometimes I just shake my head and wish I was the way I used to be.

When I was a kid, do you know what my father used to say to me when the grass was getting tall? He said, “Get out there and mow the lawn.” I don’t think I ever responded, “But father, what about this month’s application of fertilizer.” We’ve been brainwashed.

Anyway, I figured that all I needed to begin my leaf and grass clipping mulching program was a mulching kit from John Deere. I could have simply mowed over the leaves with what I had (the side discharge chute), but it took a lot of extra time trying to “catch” the leaves. The air coming out from the lawn mower deck blew them all over the place. With a mulching lawn mower deck, the leaves are more contained and a lot of time is saved by not having to drive around in circles all day.

Let me show you some pictures of the mulching kit parts and setup.

The pictures really don’t do this mulch kit justice because there weren’t a lot of leaves on the ground. I basically just wanted to try the mower out. Today, I used my leaf blower to blow out this woodsy area we have. I made a pretty substantial pile of leaves. I rode over it with the mulching deck a few times and you can hardly even tell there were any leaves there. Amazing. I am looking forward to a season full of leaves on the ground that I don’t have to pick up anymore. I am also looking forward to a future with better soil conditions so the grass grows nice and thick.

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Hampton Bay Exterior Motion Sensor Wall Lantern Light

Who says you can’t buy the least expensive item on the wall and still get good results? Not me. I suppose these lights weren’t the “least” expensive, but pretty darn close.

When it comes to lighting, the price usually starts pretty reasonably, then gets a little higher and finally gets just stupid. I am not sure I have ever purchased an expensive light fixture, but strangely enough, every one I have bought looked great. Go figure. (the same is true with shower heads and door knobs, but I already covered that)

I had a project sitting on my to-do list for a while. The project was to switch out the current lighting fixtures we had on the sides of the front door and replace them with motion detecting lighting fixtures. We had motion sensing wall lights on the old house and I really liked them. They are great for seeing what you are doing when trying to get inside. It’s funny that I waited this long on this project. I guess it slipped me by. The impending darkness reminded me.

A few days ago, we were shopping at the Costco up in Enfield. We were pulling out of the parking lot when I remembered that there was a Home Depot a few stores down. I thought it would be better to visit this Home Depot while we were already out, instead of making a special trip. I made a right and off we went.

When we got inside, we made our way to the lighting aisle. We were confronted with a wall full of blinking lights. The lights were blinking because it was full of the motion sensing fixtures that I was looking for. The scene was pretty funny…as we walked down the aisle, the lights seems to follow us. They were only on “test” mode, so they shut right off. After a while, I think I got a little distracted because every time I would walk over to check something out, a light would blink on right in my eyes.

The two of us went back and forth for a little while discussing which fixtures were our favorites. We ended up getting the ones I liked because as I said towards the top of this post, they were less expensive than most of the other fixtures. Again, there were those teensy weensy little fixtures that were really cheap, but not really what we were looking for.

When we got back, I started getting these things installed. I turned off the breaker and pulled the old fixtures off the wall. I hooked up the new fixtures and turned the breaker on. I set the switches on the fixture to the most sensitive heat and the longest stay on time and waited for dark.

A few hours later when it was nice and dark outside, I went back out to walk in front of the lights. They turned on and made me a happy boy. I went back inside to do some more work. Then, about a half hour later, I took a look outside the window. I noticed that they lights were still on. Not good.

I went back outside and changed the settings. I think the wind was messing with the sensors. The package says something about heat, but I guess motion sets the lights off too…moving heat. Not sure how branches count as heat, but I’m not a lighting engineer.

I changed the switch settings to medium sensitivity and the lowest stay on time. From there on, everything worked great.

So great…I got two more fixtures today to replace the garage fixtures with.

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Installing a New Kitchen Faucet and an Under Sink Water Filter

I have always wanted an under sink water filter. I’m not sure why, especially since we have a whole house filter. I guess it’s because the whole house filter is all the way down in the basement and I keep thinking the water gets all screwed up traveling through the pipes. I like the idea of having a filter close to the tap.

I decided that I had the capabilities to install an under sink water filter myself. I mean, I do have the brains and the patience. It’s not really a hard job, just one that you have to psych yourself into doing because you have to clean out under the sink. You know…all those bottles of who knows what and cans of what the heck it this. Throw in a few old sponges and there you have it – the area below a kitchen sink.

There was one little issue that was in the way of me installing a water filter. The faucet we had installed on the kitchen sink was a bit out dated. It was one of those “one handle” ones that sits right in the middle. Some people prefer that style, but I always liked the two handle ones. In this case, the two handles are preferred because the water filter only runs on the cold line. I like knowing that when I turn on the cold water, only the cold water is running. So, I basically needed a water filter and a new kitchen faucet. Not a problem, I’m really cheap when it comes to kitchen faucets and the filter setup was only $34. It even came with the insert.

Off to Lowe’s I went. When I got there, I strolled down the filter aisle and picked out a “Whirlpool Drop in Filtration System – WHKF-DUF.” This is the $34 jobber I just told you about. I knew what to expect because I already picked it out online. I put the filter in the cart and went over to the next aisle that had all the faucets. There they were, all lined up on the wall. I knew I wanted the chrome Peerless for around $44, but I was forced to get the $68 model because we have a four hole sink. That means that we have that extra little sprayer. You know, the one that you can wrap a rubber band around and sit back in its holder. When someone comes by to turn on the sink, they get sprayed. Yeah, that one.

I picked up the model I needed and put it in my cart. Or what I thought was my cart.

Here’s a funny little story. When I rolled my cart into the faucet aisle, I saw a nice family standing there trying to pick out a kitchen faucet. I noticed that they were kind of just randomly picking things out and didn’t know why. There are differentiating factors in faucets such as the one handle or two that I spoke of above. Also, there is the height of the faucet end. Our old faucet was low, so when I tried to get a large pot filled with water, I had to angle it such a way. Anyway, I broke the ice by saying, “Boy, I feel like I’m part of the family.” They laughed and I laughed. The father just looked at me. There were three of them…the mother, the father and the daughter. Okay, on with the story. I told them about the height issue and why and they were just amazed. As far as I was concerned, they thought I was the cat’s meow. I left the aisle to go out to the garden center.

When I got out to the garden center, I picked out two trees and put them into the cart. I stood back and looked at the faucet. Then, I wondered where the filter was. For the first time in my life, I grabbed the wrong cart. I think it was the faucet aisle family’s cart that I had taken. I left the cart outside in the garden area (because I already had the trees in it) and walked back into the faucet aisle. There it was, my cart with the filter in it. I felt bad for the poor family that had to walk away with no cart, carrying the faucet in their hands. They probably thought I was just fluffing them up earlier so I could steal their cart.

Okay, story time is over. Here are some pictures of the kitchen faucet and under sink water filter installation.

Everything works great and the installation took me about an hour and a half.

I have always wondered why there is such a big price difference between faucets, and doorknobs for that matter. Either I have never used a really high quality faucet or doorknob or I am just missing something. Every time I go shopping for either, I always get the cheapest available and find that they work just great. Maybe I am missing something. Perhaps someone can enlighten me.

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Red and Yellow Delicious Semi-Dwarf Apple Trees

Since it was fairly cool outside today, I am in the mood to write. Yes, outside temperature has an impact on indoor activities. If it’s too hot out, I tend to get lazy. If it’s chilly out, I get to work. Today was in the lower 70s and that’s just fine for me. Now this evening (right now) is in the 50s and that’s even better for me. I think I might have to order that big hoody I have been wanting a little early.

Anyway, I decided to run up to Lowe’s this afternoon after my companion and I finished discussing how much better Lowe’s nursery is than Home Depot’s. Actually, I have seen some good Home Depot nurseries out there, but Lowe’s does seem to have that area down.

I wanted to pick up a few things. I needed to get some fruit trees, some evergreens, a *** and a ***. I will leave those last two as a surprise for my next post.

Okay, so I got to Lowe’s. I quickly browsed their garden area and found that they didn’t have any small White Pines or Norway Spruces. What else is new…nobody ever seems to have any of them. I mean, sure, whenever they get them in stock, they sell out immediately. Hmmm…gee. Weird that they don’t order more to satisfy the hungry evergreen crowd. No, that would make too much sense. Just keep filling the aisles up with those medium sized evergreens that never seem to leave. Yeah, everyone wants those. Okay, sarcasm over.

I went shopping inside to get the other items I went there for and then I returned to the garden area. I looked through the fruit tree area and picked out two apple trees that I believed my better half would like. I was given a slight nudge from my partner before I left. She wanted something what would grow some fruit on it and no more of those crabapples that I love so much. Hey, if it’s good enough for my mate, it’s good enough for me (okay, I’m out of funny names for her).

The two fruit trees I decided on were a Red Delicious Semi-Dwarf Apple Tree and a Yellow Delicious Semi-Dwarf Apple Tree. I don’t think either of these types of apples are on our most favorite lists, but they were the only ones there and I needed something to plant in the front yard. Also, I have eaten Yellow Delicious apples and I don’t hate them. Red Delicious I can do without.

I got back and grabbed the shovel. I also grabbed the wheelbarrow and dug up some compost from my little compost area. That stuff is coming along very nicely and is chock full of worms. You just have to see it. I supposed I should have taken some pictures of it, right? Maybe next time. Sorry about that.

I brought the compost and trees up to the front yard and got to work. It took a few minutes to dig the holes because they were larger than I normally dig them. I thought it would be neat to follow the directions on the back of the tag for once. You know, “Dig the hole twice the size…blah blah blah.” Yeah, I did that and used the majority of the compost I dug up from the pile. We’ll see what happens. Usually, if I follow the directions on a plant, it ends up dying. Although, I did read somewhere that if you plant a tree correctly (instead of just shoving it in a shallow hole like I usually do), it will grow twice as fast as it would if you plant it incorrectly. I guess it has something to do with the roots being able to get out there in the dirt.

So, here are the photos of the two trees I planted today.

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Transplanting Daffodil Bulbs

Well, I think it’s almost here. Yeah, now that I said it, it’s probably going to snow next week.

What I’m talking about is Spring. If you’ve gone outside over the past few days, you might have gotten a tan. Sure, that may be exaggerating things a bit, but no one can deny sweating a little during a warm March day. I did and I don’t think I miss the sweat. I miss everything else, but definitely not the sweat.

When I woke up this morning, I looked out the window and thought it would be a great day to get a little yard work done. I know, I know, it’s a little early to start hitting the yard work, but you have to remember that I have been waiting about four months for this. If it’s over 50 degrees, I am going to be outside getting stuff done.

Today was the day that I dug up the sprouting Daffodil bulbs from the backyard and transplanted them to the new mulch bed. Well, the mulch hasn’t exactly arrived yet, so I guess I should just call it a dirt bed for now.

As you can see from the above photos, I decided to expand the mulch bed that I made last year. I got thinking about it and thought the old one was just too small. Also, I was sick and tired of mowing around that fruit tree. Now that the new mulch bed is dug, I could plant all sorts of stuff in there, starting with the Daffodil bulbs I dug up today. I am not a fan of small mulch beds. If you have a small mulch bed and don’t know what to do with it, give me a call and we’ll chat.

It took about a half hour to get all those Daffodil bulbs up and out of the dirt. When I first started, I dug up a big chunk of dirt and transplanted the whole thing, but as time went on, I thought it would be more efficient to grab a bucket and shake the dirt off the bulbs so they would fit inside. That way, I could just carry the bucket over when all the bulbs were dug up.

I got about five gallons worth of bulbs. I did manage to dig up a few Iris rhizomes while I was at it. Do you remember the last time I did this? If not, here, check it out. I like getting everything all dug up and put in their new spots.

You may be asking, “Jay, why are you doing this?” I would answer, “Friend, I am moving these bulbs over because I think grass would look nice up against the rear stone wall. Also, the whole area near the stone wall was full of weeds last year and I have learned that you can’t have a garden without mulch. The area in the back is way too large to cover with mulch.” How’s that? I guess I just like to consolidate.

I will tell you one thing that happened today. I got my hands all dirty. I have to say that I just love getting my hands filthy while gardening. It’s one of those things I suppose.

(Remember, if you click on a photo to view the larger version, you can click on it again to see an even larger version.)

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Dewalt Reciprocating Saw Blade Kit

Yesterday, I had to run out to Home Depot to get some stuff for a little project I was working on (I’ll tell you about it in the next post). While making my list, I remembered that I needed some saw blades for my reciprocating saw. Remember me telling you about that in the “Replacing The Exhaust On A 1999 Honda Civic DX” post? If not, you should go re-read that post. It is quite fantastic.

While at the Depot, after I did all my “project” shopping, I managed to make my way over to the tool aisle. I found the reciprocating saw blades and promptly put two nice metal cutting blades in the cart. I noticed that they were priced at $3.99 each. That didn’t really bother me because I had a bunch of gift cards in my wallet. I figured that $8 wasn’t too bad. Then, I happened to look up to see a nice Dewalt reciprocating saw blade kit for $25 and change. I said to myself, “That’s too much. All I need is a few metal cutting blades.” I picked the kit up anyway. The kit has 11 blades and one handy-dandy blade carrying “tough-case.” I did the math and just couldn’t help myself. I was sold on the carrying case. I am so bad. I rationalized it by telling myself that I was saving money because I was getting all those blades at so much less than I would if I had purchased them individually. You see? I actually “saved” money by going out any buying something. Incredible.

Here, take a look.

Dewalt reciprocating saw blade kit

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Raccoons In The Attic

I am going to tell you a little story. Yeah, I thought you would appreciate that, especially since things have been a little dry around here lately. First, I must apologize for not offering any photos of the occasion. Laura has been swearing to me that she took pictures of the whole thing and that I have them somewhere. I don’t know what she is talking about. I can’t find them and I have no recollection of taking them. The best I can do is to paint a mental picture for you, because trust me, the mental picture I have is very vivid.

Okay, let’s go.

A long, long time ago (about 5 years), we lived in a small lake cottage a few blocks from a small lake in New York. It was a tiny, but cute rental. We lived there for three fairly uneventful years. I can still remember the night we arrived at this particular house. We had just driven 5 hours from all the way up in Naples, NY and were totally beat. About an hour before we arrived at the house, I was forced to stop short in the middle of the road while driving the huge moving truck I had rented. I was sitting there with my eyes wide open, reading the big sign on an overpass in front of me that read, “Maximum Height – 11′9″.” Unfortunately, I was driving a truck that was 12′3″. I guess that wouldn’t have been all too bad if I wasn’t towing my car on one of those two wheeled tow dollies. With all those pivot points, backing up wasn’t an option. Even better, I was facing downhill and it was pitch black outside. Let’s just say that it took a good long time to get that situation squared away and there were some mildly annoyed fellow drivers. It was not one of my best memories. I can only imagine how many times I was called an “idiot” that night.

Anyway, we eventually made it to the house, which was good. We parked the truck on the road and slept the night away, only to unpack the next day. Things were fine for about two years.

It was a beautiful sunny spring day. I was walking out to my car on my way to work when I turned around to check out the house, like I always do. It’s just a habit of mine. Well, on this particular day, everything looked fine, except for that small hole in the corner of an attic vent that was facing the street. It was up near the peak of the roof on the front of the house. I thought to myself that I had never really noticed that hole before, but was pretty sure that it had always been like that. Besides, this was a rental; it wasn’t my place to give daily inspections of the building’s exterior. I went to work and forgot all about it.

Upon returning home that evening, I did my thing inside and then grabbed a beer. I remember having no shirt on and walking to the mailbox to get the mail. Just as I got about half way across the front yard, a pickup truck rolled down the road and stopped right in front of me. The guy opened his passenger side window and starts telling me something in an excited kind of way. “Hey man, you got a raccoon living in your attic,” he said. I replied with a, “What?” “Yeah, I was driving down the road this afternoon and I saw a huge raccoon crawling through the little hole in your vent. I have no idea how she got in there because the hole is so small, but I sat here for a good 10 minutes watching her. She finally got through after a while,” he replied. I said thank you and started devising a plan on how to patch up that hole in the vent. I mean seriously, how hard can it be to keep a giant raccoon out of your attic?

Well, let me just tell you that it is a little trickier than one would think.

Before the kind fellow with the pickup truck even made it to the corner of the street, I already had the mail in my hand and was walking across the backyard looking for a piece of plywood. I was going to cut it to size and screw it to the 2″x4″ beams from inside the attic.

Picture this – standing on a table in your living room to push open a small trap door that leads up to a tiny attic in a tiny lake cottage. That’s really not that bad. Now, picture doing this while thinking that an enormous raccoon is sitting up in that attic just waiting to see the whites of your eyes. It’s a little unnerving. The problem was, I had no idea if the raccoon was up there or not. It was the early evening, so I was hoping she was out gathering some food. You know, just as I began pushing that little trap door open, I remembered that I did hear some strange noises a few nights earlier coming from up above me. I just chalked it up to some branches hitting the roof or something.

Laura was in the living room holding my legs as I jimmied up through the trap door. You should have seen my head whipping around in every direction I could think of. There were no lights up there and I was totally freaking out. As every second passed by, I kept expecting to hear a “whoosh” and have 20 claws and something furry attach to my face. As it turned out, the raccoon wasn’t even up there. She must have been outside doing something. I shined the flashlight that Laura handed me all over the place and saw nothing, so I slipped through the hole in the ceiling to screw the piece of plywood over the vent at the front of the house. I was totally confident that this raccoon wouldn’t get through this rock solid piece of wood and that our little raccoon problem was solved.

That night, around midnight, I heard a “bang, bang.” I woke up and started looking around. I walked to the front of the house and heard, “scratch, bang bang.” I really had no idea what in the world was going on, but my adrenaline was pumping and I was ready for anything. I kept hearing this noise as I was standing at the front door and it was coming from above my head. I walked back into the bedroom to grab the flashlight. I opened the front door and walked out to the front yard. As I shined the flashlight up towards the roof, I immediately saw two beady little eyes staring at me. Apparently, the raccoon was trying to scratch, rip, tear and push her way through the vent to get back inside the attic. I stood there in disbelief.

I went back inside to get some clothes on. I kept wondering why in the world this raccoon wouldn’t let this go. Why was she being so stubborn? I went back outside and started yelling at the raccoon, in an attempt to scare her away. All she did was look at me and continued to try to get through the vent. At this point, I was getting annoyed and wanted to end this adventure. I walked to the back porch, grabbed the garden hose and hooked it up. I turned it on and dragged it to the front yard. Now, Laura was standing there and was manning the flashlight. I started spraying the raccoon with the water and she ran across the roof towards the back of the house. I looked at Laura and gave her a smile. No raccoon was going to ruin my beauty sleep. We went back inside to crawl back under the covers.

About 10 minutes later, I heard the same “bang, bang, bang” and sprung to my feet. I am not even going to tell you what we did, because it’s basically a repetition of what we did just 10 minutes before. This time, I went outside and chased the raccoon all over the place, but she just kept trying to get back in that vent. I had enough. I really didn’t know what to do, so we went back inside and lay awake for the rest of the night.

When it was light out again, I went outside to see what kind of damage the raccoon did to the vent. There were a few more cracks in it, but nothing too drastic. I didn’t see the raccoon anywhere, so I held out hope that what we did to her the night before taught her a lesson. If she didn’t want to experience getting sprayed by a hose again, she would find a new home.

I went back inside, got ready for work and left.

That evening, when I got home from work, I found the house and vent exactly as I had left it. I felt very happy that I beat the raccoon at her own game. Laura and I sat around until it got dark, chatted a bit and decided that I would go out to grab some Chinese food to celebrate. You know, it’s the little things in life.

I will remember this conversation for the rest of my days. As I was getting out of the car in the Chinese food place parking lot down the road, my phone started ringing. The caller ID said, “Home” on it, which surprised me. Laura never called my cell phone from home. I answered the phone and I was greeted by a flustered female voice telling me that something was screaming up in the attic. It was Laura and she was jumping from one thought to the next. She said that either we had 20 birds up in the attic, or there were BABY RACCOONS!!! Holy man oh man. Baby raccoons? No wonder that lady raccoon was trying to get back in the attic so badly. I ran into the Chinese restaurant, paid for the food and ran back out to drive home faster than I was supposed to. I figured I should still get the food, even during a time of crisis.

When I pulled in the driveway and got out of the car, I heard a faint squealing. As I got closer and eventually entered the house, the squealing got louder. When I stood in the middle of the living room, the squealing was really loud and right above my head. I put my hands to my face and wondered what in the world I was going to do. It was dark outside and I was really tired from getting no sleep the night before. One thing was for sure; I wasn’t going to live through another night of that momma raccoon banging on the side of the house. Add the squealing of hungry baby raccoons in the attic, and I was ready to move out.

Within a few minutes, I had devised a plan. I would go outside, climb up on the roof and pull the vent down. Then, I would go up in the attic and unscrew the piece of plywood that was blocking the mother raccoon from getting to her babies. This way, the big raccoon would be able to get in the attic to feed her babies and they would shut up. Also, she wouldn’t need to tear at the vent any longer and I would get a good night’s sleep.

I informed Laura that we were going to be getting into some hairy stuff here, so she better be at her finest. She was going to man the garden hose. I walked around to the back of the house, grabbed the step ladder and the hose and brought both up to the front of the house. I handed Laura the hose. She already had the flashlight in her hand. Her job was to spray the mother raccoon if she showed up while I was pulling off the vent. Her other job was to shine the flashlight at what I was working on, so I could see what I was going. It was quite dark up on that roof.

I climbed up on top of the porch and pointed out what I wanted Laura to shine the light at and she did. I began working the vent off the front of the house, while constantly looking below me to see if the mother raccoon was climbing up the porch beams. If I saw the raccoon climbing up, I was going to throw myself off the roof. I know, I know…not a good plan, but I had limited options. Plus, my heart was beating a mile a minute.

Things were going pretty well. I was tugging on the vent and talking to Laura at the same time. I said, “Do you see any sign of the raccoon?” She replied with a, “No.” I was a bit neurotic that night, so I kept on asking Laura if she saw the raccoon. She kept answering, “No” and I was sensing a little annoyance in her voice. I didn’t care, because she wasn’t the one on the roof who was going to get tackled by a crazy raccoon who was trying to protect her young.

I was almost finished getting the vent off the front of the house and I heard the faintest scratch above my head. I shot a glare down at Laura who was standing there pointing the flashlight at me and holding a garden hose. She looked so cute; poor kid. I said in the quietest voice ever, “Sweet doll, please shine the flashlight above my head.”

She did.

I slowly looked up.

About a foot above my head was the mother of all mother raccoons, staring right into my eyes. She was standing on the peak of the roof above me. “HOLY FREAKING MOTHER,” I screamed. Luckily, I had a bit of wit about me and I ran for the ladder instead of jumping off the roof. I climbed down the ladder at record speed and ran to the front lawn to stand next to Laura. I had to jump up and down to shed some of the shakes and adrenaline off of me. “MAN,” I started saying, as we watched the raccoon climb down to inspect the vent. “I have to get that vent off of there or we are never going to hear the end of this,” I said to Laura.

New plan – Laura would spray the raccoon to keep her away from me as I finished getting the vent down. She did and I did. The vent was off. You should have seen that raccoon trying to get to that vent while I was working on it though. Laura showed her good aim that night.

The next thing I had to do was to go up in the attic and unscrew the plywood I put up the day before. This was going to be a little trickier because now I knew there were going to be animals up in that attic with me, as well as a fully grown raccoon on the other side of that plywood.

I crawled up into the attic again. I had my screw gun and a flashlight and was ready to go to work. I made my way to the front of the house, while constantly looking around for those baby raccoons. I didn’t have any idea how big they were, so I was pretty nervous. When I got all the way up to the plywood, I heard some sounds coming from my left, under the overhang of the roof. I shined the flashlight over there, but didn’t see anything. I grabbed a piece of scrap wood that was laying on the floor and pushed some insulation away from the beams. Right then and there, I saw four of the cutest little raccoon heads pop up and look at me. I don’t think they wanted the light shining in their faces, but seeing them sitting there changed the whole dynamic of what I was doing. I softened up and my mission turned from one of war to one of rescue. They looked so helpless. Since they weren’t about to go anywhere and obviously weren’t any threat to me, I started slowly unscrewing the plywood.

(The above video is not of the actual baby raccoons, but of imposters.)

As I was almost finished with the last screw, I lost my silly little grin. I remembered the beast sitting on the other side of the wall with a very determined mindset. I knew what I had to do.

I held the plywood hard against the beams and finished taking out the screw. I held the screw gun in my hand and picked up the flashlight with the same hand. The plan was to move as far as I could away from the board, while still holding it. Then, I was going to run and jump through the hole in the floor back to the living room. After that, I was going to slide the trap door board back over the hole, so the beast couldn’t follow me down through the ceiling.

If you have never seen a grown man scream like a little girl and run across about 15 beams of an unfinished attic and jump through a hole in the floor, you are a lucky person. If you are that grown man, you’re not so lucky. After I jumped through the hole, I landed on the table and slipped off it to land on the floor (on my back). I had to quickly scurry up to put that board back in place before we had one extra mammal living with us. I got the board back in place and ran outside to see if the raccoon went through the hole.

Apparently, Laura had the same idea and gave me a full report as I met her on the front lawn. She said that the minute I let that board down, the raccoon flew through the hole. I remember standing there and how good I felt. It was like I just won the lottery. Then, I remember thinking about how we now had five raccoons in the attic instead of just one. It felt like someone just took all my lottery money away from me.

It was time for a real plan…a plan that would solve the problem.

Laura used to work with animals and had access to really heavy duty animal handling gloves. They were about three feet long and about a half inch thick. These gloves were meant to hold down a mountain lion. If the mountain lion bit, you probably wouldn’t feel it. Okay, you would feel it, but the teeth wouldn’t go through your arm. Okay, maybe they would, but these gloves were really heavy duty.

My plan was to wait until mid afternoon when the mother raccoon was out for the day. Then, I would go up into the attic and screw the piece of plywood back to cover up the gaping vent hole. I would capture each baby raccoon and put them into a cat carrier that we had hanging around. After that, put the cat carrier outside and just wait for momma to come back.

That was the plan and I must say that I executed it perfectly the next day. I think the worst part was that the attic was about 150 degrees then and moving the insulation around covered my bare top half with sweat and fiberglass. It was pretty terrible.

You really should have seen it. I was like a professional animal handler. With the exposed baby raccoons looking at me and the cat carrier open and ready to hold the animals, it was show time. I put the gloves on and started reaching back into the corner of the attic. I grabbed the first baby raccoon and put it in the carrier. You should really see the claws on these raccoons. They are very long and really stick on everything they touch. I can only imagine wrestling with a full grown one. No thank you.

The first three raccoons went into the carrier without incident. The fourth one gave me a little problem. I am assuming that this last raccoon was the big brother of the bunch, because he kept trying to go deeper and deeper into the corner of the attic. He was hissing and being very aggressive. Eventually, he saw things my way and was placed into the cat carrier with the rest of his siblings. Another thing you should have seen was how much fun I had while trying to place each baby raccoon into the cat carrier while there was already one in there. Each time I opened the carrier door, the raccoon that was in there tried to climb out. It was crazy.

After I got the last little devil in the carrier, I beamed a great big smile. I kept the plywood over the vent hole, picked up the carrier and slid through the hole in the ceiling to enter the living room. I walked the carrier outside and sat it down in the shade at the side of the house. I kept the carrier locked, because I didn’t want any baby raccoons walking around without the protection of their mother.

I am sure you can imagine the excitement on Laura’s face when she got home from work that day and I showed her a cage full of baby raccoons. I’m not sure which she was excited more about, not having to deal with the “raccoons in the attic” issue any longer or getting an up close look at these little cuties. She asked what I was going to do with them. I answered that I was going to leave them there just like they were and wait until the mother raccoon returned to get them. We were certain she would be back.

A few hours passed and we were watching TV in the bedroom when we heard something outside tampering with the cat carrier. We ran out there to see what was going on. Well, low and behold, the mother raccoon was tossing the cat carrier around, trying to get it open. She wanted to get at those babies badly. I tried to walk over to open the carrier, but the mother raccoon lunged at me. Okay, obviously our mutual understanding of not harming one another was over. We were enemies once again.

Since I wanted to get this ordeal behind us and I wanted this raccoon family to reunite, I ran to the back of the house again to grab the hose. I came back and handed it to Laura again, with the same instructions. “Spray the raccoon while I open the carrier,” I said. Laura started spraying the raccoon and she backed up into the neighbor’s driveway. Each time I went over to attempt to open the carrier, the raccoon ignored the water and lunged at me. Laura had to keep getting closer to spray the mother raccoon harder. Eventually, I got the cage open and took off. Big momma ran in there and grabbed the first baby. She raced up the willow tree across the street and placed the baby in a “V.” Laura and I walked inside to give her some peace and privacy.

About five minutes later, we walked back outside to see if the mother got any more babies. We were surprised to see an empty cat carrier sitting on the ground. Man, she was fast. We would be resting easy that night.

The next morning, I walked across the street and looked up into the “V” where the raccoons were placed and noticed four small heads looking down at me. What a sight.

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My To-Do List For Spring

Throughout this winter, I have been putting together a short mental list of things I am going to tackle once the good weather arrives. I thought I might share that list with you, partly to entertain you and partly to remind me what in the world I had on my mental list once I have the urge to do some of these things.

EXTERIOR:
1. Order tons of pine trees from ArborDay.org and plant them all over the place.
2. Get the lawn in order.
3. Begin work on Laura’s garden. Need fencing and shrubs.
4. Clean out under porch. Take nails out of 2×4s and stack somewhere else so they are hidden. Throw out vinyl lattice (unless of course you want it).
5. Order more pellets to restock basement for next year.
6. Repair driveway again from this winter’s damage.
7. Admire mailbox.
8. Order 30 yards of mulch.
9. Mulch front garden and top off last year’s mulch.
10. Enlarge garden in front to include those 3 large rocks. Mulch that too.

INTERIOR:
1. Finish painting upstairs bedroom.
2. Remove carpet and tile from downstairs (main floor) and install tile over the whole area.
3. Paint downstairs (main floor).
4. Continue wondering how difficult it would be to replace suspended ceiling in basement with sheetrock.
5. Continue fantasizing about turning the laundry room into a giant bathroom with a giant bathtub and a giant shower.
6. Finish painting upstairs.

Wow, that’s quite a list. Am I going to get all these things done this spring? Heck no. I think I might be able to get those pine trees though. I am getting tired just looking at that list.

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The Funniest Thing That Happened in my Life – #2

He should have never bought that gun.

You know, for the past few days, I have been agonizing over how I am going to make this story good. On the surface, it seems like a simple task, but the more I have been thinking about it, trying to make someone smile through writing is a challenging feat. I knew I had to start writing soon because I had already committed to it a few days ago. I’m not sure who wants to see this story on my blog more, you or me.

Recently, my Aunt, who is a writer, told me that she really gets a kick out of what I jot down here. This means an awful lot to me because she is in the writing business. Truthfully, I have absolutely no training at all when it comes to expressing myself through text and it’s a little intimidating knowing that someone with years of successful stories behind her is on the other side of the screen. I mean sure, I attended English class back in high school and college, but I’m not sure I retained anything. When the day finally came where I wanted to get something off my chest, I started to learn.

I asked her to give me feedback if she saw a glaring error. Actually, I would appreciate feedback if I make a small mistake, like using “it’s” instead of “its.” What would be great is if she let me behind the scenes regarding strategy. How do I start a story off? What should be the first line? Where should I begin the crescendo, like in music or a verbal story? These are all things that can make or break what I, or anyone else, writes.

As you may have noticed, some of my posts are better than others.

Sometimes, an entry comes out nicely when I least expect it, like my recent post, “Snowboarding Is Back.” I really just wanted to get something down quickly, but after I started getting into it, I got more and more motivated.

Sometimes entries don’t come out so nicely. I think I had high hopes for my, “The Rules Of Blogging” post, but I was a little perturbed when I sat down to write that, so it didn’t come out as planned. I actually had to delete an entire paragraph from that one because I thought it came across mildly abrasive.

When I think about what is going to make or break a post, like trying to figure out the answers to those questions I asked above, I think it’s entirely up to me. If I took lessons from someone, the story wouldn’t be entirely mine and it might seem “forced.” It depends on how I feel right at that point of what I am doing.

My Aunt tells me that she enjoys the details. I enjoy writing them. If I can express to someone how all those little green blades of grass feel when they are softly tickling my toes, I think that’s a success. Otherwise, we have a bland story, and no one wants that.

Just a few minutes ago, I was standing in the shower trying to raise my body temperature. As the water got hotter and hotter, I began thinking. I guess the water temperature got my brain moving. I had so many thoughts running through my head about just how I would explain the beginning of this post. So many thoughts were good, although I’m not sure I just spent the past fifteen minutes expressing any of them. I forget so easily. If I could figure out a way to lay my thoughts out faster, I might be on to something, until then, this is what we get.

So it begins…

When I graduated college, I had zero dollars. I was broke. I’m not sure I was in a position to do anything with my life other than to live at my parent’s house and find a job. At least I would have had someplace to sleep and I would be fed. Looking back, I think that might have been a good idea, but that really wouldn’t have put me where I am today. I took the challenging path, which is the one I usually end up taking.

In the past few years, I have had more conversations about how other people live their lives than I care to admit. “If I did it, then so should you,” is how I would usually end a conversation. I probably got that line of thinking from my father. It frustrates me when I see people not working to their potential. I’m not sure why, because seriously, it’s none of my business. It’s just that when I think back on all the adventures I have had through life, I guess I want others to share in those kinds of adventures too. If they are taking the easy way out, then they are missing many of the challenges and rewards that life has to offer. When you take the hard path and accomplish something, you tend to realize it once it’s done. That, my friends, is a good feeling.

A few months before graduation, my friend Rob and I decided to look for a place to live. We had been hearing many good things about Atlanta, Georgia for a while and decided to hop in the car for a trip down South. I actually had a professor who used to live in that city, so I would pick his brain during our student/teacher meetings. I am sure that time could have been better spent (at the rate I was going), but now I’m not so sure. What really struck me was his recollection of Lake Lanier, North of Atlanta. He said it was very active, very deep and very cool. I have always wanted to live near a lake, so hearing this only made me all the more excited for our trip.

Rob is a fun guy to travel with. He can be trusted behind the wheel and the conversation is good. We seem to be on the same page a lot, which makes for a good amount of agreement when it comes to really trying to analyzing something, such as a new place to live. If you had been sitting there, listening to us that first night in Atlanta, you would have heard a, sort of, agreement fight. We were so involved in what we were agreeing on, it may have been viewed as an argument. It’s funny to engage in and I’m sure it’s even more funny to watch.

The job didn’t happen until a few months into our little adventure. We took the first month’s rent for free and then Rob covered the next month. Right at the end of that month, I finally got a job and started paying Rob back. He had payed for more than just rent. He payed for the groceries, the utilities and everything else. You know, he didn’t even make a peep about it either, perhaps that’s why I never made a fuss about what happened next.

One day, Rob decided that it would be a good idea to buy a .22 caliber rifle. That’s right, a rifle. Now, this wasn’t a big, powerful gun, it was basically a step up from a BB gun, but still, it could do some damage. Rob walked into Wal-Mart with a wallet and walked out of Wal-Mart with a wallet and a gun. It seems like Georgia actually encourages this kind of stuff.

There was one thing I knew for sure; Rob should, in absolutely no way, own a gun. He has a little history with guns that I will tell you about right now, in numerical order.

1. One day while twirling my BB gun in the front yard, Rob shot the out neighbor’s house window.
2. One day, while shooting targets with my BB gun in the backyard, Rob missed the target and the BB ricochet about three times and hit me in the temple.
3. One day, while standing at the end of the driveway twirling my BB gun, Rob blew out the back window of our friend’s Mustang, while it was driving down the road.

The fact that Rob owned this gun made me nervous. Luckily, neither of us ever saw it again in Atlanta after the day he bought it. He must have put it in his closet for protection or something.

I will move ahead about a year to get this party started.

After our Atlanta experience, we decided to move back up North. I decided to stay at Craig’s house for a month or so, before moving back to Binghamton for grad school. Rob ended up back at his parents’ house for a short stay before renting a house down in town.

Craig owned about 40 acres of land up in Oneonta, NY. We would all visit about once a month to see what he was up to. When we arrived, Craig was usually straddling some earth moving machine in an effort to either create a road, a dirt bike track or a pond. Every time we were there, Craig was working on some project. Over the years, Craig had collected quite the array of machinery to assist him in his effort to transform his 40 acres into the land of his dreams.

Craig was quite dedicated and Craig was quite serious.

There was one particular visit I remember well. Both Rob and I were on slate for a weekend visit to “the farm.” Since I was already there, I don’t think it qualified as a “visit” for me. For Rob, the three hour drive definitely made him a visitor.

During the few weeks I lived at Craig’s, I witnessed him acquire a few neat little machines. These were basically farm type things and I really don’t know what some of them were used for. I know one spread around manure. It was a cool trailer type machine that, when towed, spread cow crap all over the fields for various reasons, such as fertilizing the grass and, well, getting rid of the manure.

Another piece of equipment Craig acquired while I was there was an old dump truck. It must have been from the 60s or 70s. It was old and rusty. This was his pride and joy.

I remember the day he rolled in the driveway with it. I took one look and said, “What the hell are you going to do with that? Does it run?” He replied, “Of course it runs. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to get a good running work truck like this around here for so cheap?” He looked so excited and I didn’t want to burst his bubble, so I just kind of shook my head and walked away.

Well, Craig decided it was worth talking about, so he chased me. He explained that this work truck was going to save him countless hours of time. Instead of moving dirt around with the machines, now he could fill up the dump body of the truck and haul the dirt where ever he wanted. His eyes were so bright when he told me about what this truck could do, he almost glowed. I hadn’t realized it, but he had been looking for a truck like this for some time. They were so scarce because none of the farmers in the area ever let them go. They were all using them for their own purposes.

Okay, if it was important to him, it was important to me. I wouldn’t make fun of it.

Rob wasn’t there for this conversation. Rob had no idea how much Craig loved that truck. Rob showed up and wanted to drink beer and ride dirt bikes, of which we were both only too happy to oblige.

We had a good time the night after Rob arrived. We ate and drank and told stories of all the crazy stuff we used to do. Craig showed us the shiny new rifle he recently bought, but hadn’t fired yet. Living on a farm in the middle of no where, I guess one needs a huge rifle that uses 3 1/2 bullets. I saw them and they could probably penetrate tank armor. Craig was pretty excited about this and said he was going to see how it shot the next day.

It just so happens that Rob decided to bring his gun too. Sure, it wasn’t nearly as powerful as Craig’s new bazooka, but it would be fine during target practice. I just had to be sure the stay the hell away from Rob when he was firing this thing. At the time, I thought it wasn’t a bad idea to bring that gun up to Craig’s, since it was on a hillside in Oneonta, NY. There was virtually no one for miles.

You know, come to think of it, at no point that night did Craig ever express to Rob the importance of his new work truck.

We woke up the next morning. As usual, Rob was up first, looking to get a jump on the day. He was always so damn chipper when he was up there, it was annoying. I wanted my beauty sleep, but I guess I was kind of excited too. After all, this was the day we were going to see two guns that had never been fired before, fired.

We took showers and walked downstairs, but couldn’t find Craig. We strolled around for a while, got some coffee and decided to sit on the couch and talk. The house was silent and kind of boring, but we didn’t really want to get into doing farm chores…we would leave those for Craig. We were there to have fun.

After a few minutes of some pretty lazy conversation, we were shaken by a huge “BA BOOOOM!!!” Our eyes shot wide open and poor Rob almost fell off the couch. I think my heart skipped a beat when I heard that enormously loud explosion. I looked at Rob and Rob looked at me. We both thought we were under attack. Rob started to get to his feet, when another “BA BOOOOM!!!” knocked him back on the couch. I felt so bad because he had no idea what the heck was going on. Neither of us did.

We got to our feet and raced to the back window, the one overlooking the mountainside. There, we saw Craig standing and smiling with a grin so wide it went from ear to ear. He was standing there with his huge new rifle in his hand and a new wake up call. He was staring straight at us and obviously knew he was going to scare the heck out of us. I’m not sure if he was so happy because he scared us or that he mutilated whatever it was that he just shot.

Craig's back porch

Hillside in Oneonta, NY

I just stood there staring out the window, frozen, when I saw Rob whiz past me and run down the back porch stairs. Oh no, he had his gun too. I guess I had been in a trance longer than I thought because Rob had actually run upstairs to grab his gun and bullets, got his sneakers on and made it outside before I even knew what was going on.

I quickly pulled my sneakers on and tightened up the laces nice and snug. I flew outside to meet Rob standing a good distance in back of Craig. Craig was setting up for another shot and we didn’t want to be anywhere near him when we heard the…”BA BOOOOM!!!” again. Yeah, that was it, he took another shot.

We were both standing there next to each other when Rob asked, “What in the world is that?” He was looking at Craig’s new truck. I said, “Oh, don’t ask. That’s Craig’s new work truck. Like he needs another hunk of junk around here.” Rob said, “Seriously.” and began walking down to Craig, who was filling his rifle up with another bullet.

I remember standing there when I saw Rob stop about half way between Craig and me. He put his hand in his pocket and pulled out a bunch of bullets. He took the clip out of his gun and filled it with the bullets he just pulled out of the pocket.

At that point, things started to move in slow motion…very slow motion.

When Craig woke up early in the morning, he walked down to the new work truck and placed a shooting target on the very rearmost, highest tip of the wooden boards used as sides to the dump body. The main dump body was steel, but there were two 2×10s on each side of the bed to hold more material. This target was placed neatly on the uppermost corner, far out of reach of the rest of the truck. It was almost invisible from where Rob was standing.

When Craig shot his gun, the bullet was so powerful and so fast, it simply sliced through the paper target and splintered the wood. The bullet easily exited the backside of the board. It was almost like there was no damage from the small missiles at all. Craig hit the target three times and the board was still clearly intact.

Craig had loaded his gun and Rob had loaded his gun.

No one ever told Rob that there was a target on the back of the truck.

Craig set up to take another shot when we both heard, “PAP PAP PAP PAP PAP.” It was Rob’s gun going off. I think Craig liked it because now Rob was getting into the mix. Rob was standing there like he was a hitman taking down a rival gang.

“BA BOOOOM!!!” again. Craig made another shot. “PAP PAP PAP PAP…” Rob kept firing. I think his clip held 20 bullets and he had emptied them all. “BA BOOOOM!!!” Craig had fired his last bullet. What a morning it was.

I stood there watching the whole thing from behind them both. What struck me as odd was the angle of Rob’s gun. It wasn’t lined up with the target and it kept moving from side to side. Craig’s, on the other hand, stayed straight and steady, like it was in the hands of a trained marksman.

I stood there in disbelief. My mouth parted slightly and hung open as I realized what had just happened. The corners of my mouth began to curl upward. I started walking toward both Rob and Craig when I overheard them congratulating themselves for the massive amount of firepower they had just displayed. I just kept on walking, one foot in front of the other.

When I reached them, the three of us started walking down to the truck together. We were quiet during this time and for some strange reason, no one said a word. The silence was deafening. All we heard was the crunching of the dried dirt beneath out feet.

We had about 100 feet to walk in total and about 50 feet were left. When we reached 20 feet, we all heard a “HISSSSSSSS.”

Craig’s head quickly snapped over to look at Rob when he belted out, “ROBERT, WHAT DID YOU DO???”

I felt a tear forming in the outside corner of my right eye. My upper lip began to tremble in anticipation of the discovery we were about to make. My feet started shifting in my shoes.

A few steps closer and the hiss got louder.

That’s when all three of us simultaneously saw bullet holes peppered out over the entire side of Craig’s new work truck…his pride and joy…his saviour of countless hours of hard labor.

I began making quiet screaming noises inside my tightly clamped mouth. My eyes were only half way open and my forehead has scrunched up more than it had ever been. At this point, tears were fully formed and rolling down my cheeks. I really tried to hold it in.

As we got closer, we found that the tire was punctured, the windshield was shattered, the side of the truck had about 10 bullet holes in it and the front fender was hit multiple times. There were no bullet holes anywhere near the target at the back of the truck.

I turned around and began walking back up the hill towards the house. Craig looked over at Rob and started yelling at him. I finally let a breath out and nearly broke down in the middle of the field. I looked back to find that they had popped the hood of the truck open. Rob had shot the fender, which sheltered the engine. Apparently, Rob’s bullets made their way through the distributor cap, the radiator and the valve covers. The truck was unusable.

I kept walking up the hill and heard the yelling get louder. It was like a cartoon. A few more quick glances and it felt like someone slipped peyote in my morning drink. I was full fledged balling at this point. All I could do was walk away and dream of brighter days ahead.

I love Rob. I love him to death. The gifts he has bestowed upon me are immeasurable. I am not sure he will ever know the joy he has brought to my life.

This, my friends, was the second funniest thing that has ever happened in my life and I enjoyed sharing it with you very much.

Thank you.

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