Thursday, December 4th, 2008
Man, It’s been a rough week.
I did a little complaining recently. I called a few people who are close to me and vented my frustration about the goings on of our world. They politely listened for a while, but both came to the same conclusion. They said, “Well Jay, things could be worse. You could be doing this or that, etc…” I guess that’s why I call people, so they can tell me to shut up and put things in perspective. I need that every once in a while.
I still think about life way too much.
Sometimes I just sit here with my head in my hands. I would just like the answer to one question: when did it all change?
In 2000, right after a graduated from Binghamton University for the second time, I had a plan. My plan was to release myself from all attachments with the real world and walk the Appalachian Trail. I was going to set my school loans on auto-pilot with my bank and fly as free as a bird. All I have ever really wanted was freedom; freedom from thought, freedom from today’s world, freedom from being dragged down by anything and everything.
I figured that walking the trail would really change my life. I was not interested in repeating the 9-5 job I sat through the year before while living in Atlanta. That was painful. All I was looking for was a way out…something different that wouldn’t trap me in the good ol’ American way of living day in and day out like the rest of the population.
Did I ever walk the Appalachian Trail? What do you think? Considering the fact that it takes about 10 months to complete and I never mentioned it before, I think not. I have actually walked a few miles on it here and there, but towards the end of each hike, I looked forward to driving back to the house, taking a nice shower and drinking a glass of wine. I don’t think I am exactly wired for growing a beard down to my waist and sleeping with the bears. The thought of a bear picking my tent up and eating it kind of freaks me out.
Let me tell you what bothers me about life as I know it – Worry.
Every day, I concern myself with each and every thing that probably concerns all of you. I think about money and security and politics and friends and life and everything else. I walk around in a fog, trying to make sense of every decision I make. It’s rare that I break out of that fog to have a clear thought. Maybe that’s why I like tennis so much, because I don’t think about anything else besides having fun. Although, I do like mowing the lawn for the same reason.
So, when did I change from the care free Jay to the constantly worrying Jay? I can tell you the exact day.
I have mentioned the fact that I moved to Atlanta a few times in the past. I lived there for a year, but the way I talk about it, it’s like I have a “Braves” tattoo on my right arm. Really, it was only a year, but it was a fun year.
I moved down when I was 24 years old. I packed up my 1989 Honda Accord with all of my belongings and hit the road. Basically, I just repacked the same items that I unpacked about a month ago after graduation.
I remember that drive down. I had one of those luggage containers strapped to the top of the car packed to the gills. Everything else I owned was spread out inside…on the back seat, on the front seat and in the trunk. There was no room for anything else.
On the highway, I remember the pleasure of wondering what my new life was going to be like. I didn’t know one person, the area or anything else about the entire state of Georgia. I usually do my best in these types of situations. As Rob always says, “You need to be like an Chameleon. Just change colors and fit right in.” Well, I did that and started off having a very good time.
Upon arrival at Morgan Falls Station, our awesome apartment complex, I was crazy excited. While I was waiting for the folks to finish up the apartment, I walked around a bit. I visited the 3 swimming pools, the work out centers, the tennis courts and the nature trails. It was nicer than anything I had expected. I recall wondering how $800 per month was paying for all this. Then, I remembered that things were a little different in the South. Up here, you get a tiny apartment above some old lady’s garage for $800 a month, and that’s a good deal. Down there, it’s like living at Club Med.
Needless to say, I was pleased. After I got settled in and had the phone hooked up, I called Rob. I was a non-stop talker. I told him about all the cool stuff that was there and about all the things we were going to do. I could tell that he was getting fidgety because he kept asking questions. We even got to the point of discussing what time it got dark in Atlanta. There is about a half hour difference between down there and up North. We used the scientific method of, “Is it dark now? What about now?”
After a few weeks of driving around a midnight (because there was so much traffic during the day) and getting to know people, I had really gotten used to it. I had a few friends and was playing tennis like it was nobody’s business. I didn’t have a job, so what else was there to do? I felt like I was living in a resort.
At the same time, my parents were planning their big move to Wilmington, NC. My sister Laurie had her first child and I guess my parents thought that watching water drip off their cars in the morning was a better idea than scraping ice off of them, like they did up North for all those years. The stars were aligned and they made the jump. They broke out of the New York shackles and started moving to North Carolina.
For the years that I attended Binghamton University and up to the time I moved to Atlanta, my parents took care of my big, beautiful Golden Retriever. I acquired this hairy beast a few years earlier, while I was attending Westchester Community College. It’s funny, because before getting a dog, I really gave no thought to what was going to happen to him for the rest of his life. I figured I would give him to my parents after I moved out and that would be that.
One day, while sitting on the floor (I had no furniture) of my Atlanta apartment, I received a phone call from my mother. “Jay, your father is driving a big truck down to the new house in Wilmington and he is bringing your dog with him.” she said. I replied, “Oh good, he will really like it in your new house.” “No Jay.” she said, “You are going to drive over and get him. He is your dog.”
Well, this came as sort of a surprise to me. Why in the world would someone want to hand over a perfectly good dog to someone as irresponsible as I was? As my mother put it, she couldn’t bear to see the dog laying on the kitchen floor looking up at her. His eyes broke her heart. She knew that he needed to run in the woods and swim in the river. He was a Golden, after all.
The day my father arrived at the new house in Wilmington, I was there to pick up the beast. I made the 7 hour drive and was quite excited to see my dog again.
I remember pulling in and seeing him tied to a small tree at the end of the driveway, waiting for me to give him a big hug. I leapt out of the car and ran over to him. I untied him and we instantly became entangled in a long embrace. That was my dog.
After a few hours of hanging out and going to the ocean, we left to head back to Atlanta. Again, I hadn’t given much thought as to what would happen next.
After my new roommate and I arrived back at the apartment, we did a little hanging out. Things were great. We went for a walk and I showed him all the stuff he was going to do for the next chapter of his life. It really was a grand ol’ time.
That night, a friend of mine called and asked if I wanted to go out to do something. I immediately said yes. Then, I looked down and saw my dog looking up at me. I paused and said something that I am not sure I have ever said to anyone in my life before that moment…”Wait, actually, I can’t.” I didn’t offer any reason for not being able to go out that night, but I definitely knew that something big in my life had shifted.
At that very moment, while standing there talking on the phone that night, I think I actually became responsible.
I know that sounds like the strangest thing you probably have ever read, but it’s true. I feel strange writing it. The reason I didn’t go out that night is because it was my dog’s first night in his new home and I didn’t feel right about leaving him there all alone.
All of a sudden, I started giving all types of thought to how my dog would feel if I did certain things. I knew I had to take him for a walk in the morning and that I had to be back after work to feed him and take him for another walk, but what really struck me was how I was unable to go visit friends in other cities and stay over their houses or apartments. I wasn’t ready to say no to trips to fun places, like the one that Rob made down to the Okefenokee Swamp in Southern Georgia. That one hurt because I really wanted to go there. I had to keep thinking about my dog and how I didn’t want to put him in a boarding kennel in a town I hardly even knew myself.
As it turned out, my consideration for everything and everyone snowballed from there. I began making sure more and more things were okay. I started saving my money and getting ready for the move back to New York to go to grad school. I stopped going out and doing stupid things that wouldn’t help me get to that goal. I never called in sick to work and I paid off that huge balance I had on my credit card. I don’t even want to talk about how much my soul has tightened up after I graduated from graduate school after the move back to New York. They basically train you how to become a herb.
I was most certainly becoming a worrier.
One might say, “Well Jay, aren’t those all good things?” I would agree, but I have to admit that once you grow up and become overly responsible, a little part of you disappears. How many times have you asked yourself, “Remember all those times we used to do that? Do you think we’ll ever do that again?” The answers are yes and probably not.
I was talking to Laura the other day about what I like to talk to my friends about. I told her my three top priorities are real estate, business and personal finance. Can you get any more boring than that? What ever happened to travel, drinking and where we are going to move to next?
At this point in my life, I feel that I am almost the opposite of what I wanted to be after graduate school. Sure, my little dream of walking the Trail may have been just a dream, but it was an indication of what I wanted to do and how I wanted to live my life.
At that time, I wanted two legal associations. I wanted one bank account and my student loan. That was it. Currently, I have more associations than I know what to do with. I understand that this is what happens when you buy a house and operate a business, but I must admit, at times it’s smothering.
Lately, I have been thinking about how I could get back to my ideal self, about how I could loosen up and at least become a shadow of that fun guy I think I used to be. I think I have a plan.
While I won’t precisely lay out my plan here, I will at least tell you that it has a lot to do with seasonal weather, long walks on the beach and campfires.
As you may have guessed, I gave Mickles a very good life and in return, he was a very good dog. I appreciate the fact that he spent the majority of his life with me. I would guess that he enjoyed his time in Atlanta the most. He had the field, the woods and the river. He couldn’t have asked for anything more.
I decided to post a few photos of my good friend here. I hope you enjoy them as much as I enjoyed taking them throughout the years.
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Saturday, November 1st, 2008
I think I am visibly nervous. I wonder if people can tell.
I woke up this morning thinking of politics. If you haven’t heard, I really like the whole topic. I like talking about it, but hate talking about it with stupid people. Whenever I talk to a stupid person, we just get tangled up in that day’s headlines. After the conversation, I lose more faith in humanity and wallow a little bit more. I like talking more about world view, big ideas, the whole picture. Since I am so sensitive, much of my discussion is just a monologue on this blog. That’s probably not a bad thing.
I remember I was talking politics with a girl I used to work with. She said, “Well, aren’t you glad we went to Iraq?” I said, “Why would I be glad we went to Iraq?” She replied, “So we can get the terrorists.” Mind you, this is about four years after we discovered there was no threat from Iraq.
One thing that frustrates me is when people say, “I hate politics. All politicians are the same. They aren’t going to do anything different than anyone else.” That may be true, but what would we do differently? I mean, if I were trying to get elected, I would probably gather my base first and then change things up to go after the groups I need. I’m not a fool. I may have the best ideas in the world, but if I don’t get elected, what good are they? It’s why politicians pander.
A few days ago, I was frantically checking all the polls at many of the news sites. I recently decided that my heart couldn’t take it anymore. Any movement just freaks me out. I am not even sure I want to play this game anymore. It’s kind of like when you have to give a presentation in a class, but you haven’t prepared…you figure dropping the class altogether would be a heck of a lot easier. I’m sure many of us have been down that road.
I am starting to think that hiding in a hole until Tuesday isn’t such a bad idea. I am waiting for something to blow up or for us to find out about some horrible thing someone did. I feel so on edge.
I really was ok with both candidates until that magical moment I heard, “Hey folks, I’m just a regular old hockey mom who can relate to all you Joe six-packs out there.” Right after I experienced that, my soul fell on the floor. I thought I was trapped in some freakish dream. I believed with my whole being that it must be some sick joke, or at least a terrible accident. To me, that translated into, “Hey fellers, I’ll meet all you losers down at the Boar’s Nest in a half hour. The first round is on me.” I mean, seriously.
I’ll tell you what bothers me right now. I am bothered that John McCain went negative. I thought he was better than that. I truly did. Seeing the way he has handled himself has let me down. Also, after watching him for a while, I have come to the conclusion that he is going for points. It’s like he yells, “Ah ha!!!” after he comes up with a good line.
I am disappointed that Obama hasn’t really hit back hard. With all the petty things that have come out in this election, can’t someone with some spine stand up and say, “You know what? I don’t give a damn about where my aunt lives, THERE ARE PEOPLE DYING OUT THERE.” Let’s put this in perspective again.
I am annoyed with John McCain’s pick as vice-president. It was very transparent and if he loses, very foolish. It wasn’t thought out and I don’t appreciate that kind of action. This is our country after all.
I think Joe Biden needs to have a little more visibility. Maybe I am just a Joe six-pack, but I like the guy. I think he is smart and makes a lot of sense. I have to remember that I am not part of the campaign and polls dictate where these people go and what they do. Oh well.
Well, only two more days until election day 2008. I am going to stroll into the polling place on Tuesday and vote down the party line. Until then, I will silently think about what coulda been, shoulda been and was.
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Tuesday, October 14th, 2008
I am a registered Democrat. Love me if you are a Democrat, hate me if you are a Republican. I don’t care.
I am actually more of a socially liberal / fiscally conservative Independent. I guess that would make me one of those coveted swing voters. I’m probably not, because I have never voted Republican in my life, but just the same, I would like to be one of those coveted people.
I was just reading about our two presidential candidates for 2008, again. I am pretty psyched about this race. I think the Democrats have a good thing going and, if what I am reading is true, the Republicans need some help.
Let me just say this off the bat…I don’t dislike John McCain. Actually, I didn’t before the election. He is starting to get under my skin though. I think I never really disliked him because I never really saw much of him. I just saw what was on the news. I always thought his heart was in the right place. The more I see this guy, the more he is starting to annoy me. I think it’s because (in my opinion), he has zero charisma. If I hear “friends…” one more time. Also, for the life of me, I have no idea why in the world he is bringing up William Ayers. Hardly anyone knows who this person is and, right now, hardly anyone cares. Perhaps if this William fella was in the news for the past 3 years for doing something terrible and had some more name recognition, there would be some impact. But seriously, wasting valuable air time on a no-name dude like this is…well, wasting valuable air time. There are bigger issues at hand.
I have long thought that presidential politics was just a popularity contest. I mean, who in the world knows what these people are proposing? It seems to be all about style. If someone is a good speaker, they can pretty much say, “I will rob you blind” and still get voted in. I mean 95% of these people and a $5000 tax credit for these people…who knows what is going on? Seriously, about 5% of the public really cares.
Can you really vote for someone based on what they say they are going to do while in office? Remember what the current president said during all his debates with Al Gore? Small government, follow the rule of law, war as a last resort, fiscally conservative…oh man. I mean, the last 8 years was kind of like winning the lottery and getting your car repossessed in one fell swoop.
As much as I hate wedge issues, they seem to play a large part in who gets voted in to office. Abortion, religion, gay rights, immigration…all of them play a very weighted role in who gets to live in the White House for the next 4 years. It is a real shame, but the facts are the facts.
I can say to a McCain supporter who pays too much in taxes, “Yeah, but Obama says he is going to lower taxes on those who make less than $250,000 a year.” They might say back to me, “McCain is pro-life.” I guess they are voting for McCain. No one can really say whether or not these issues should be important to people, they just are. I keep thinking that when voting for the next president, you are voting for someone to fill a spot in the Executive Branch of government. I am not sure what gay rights has to do with the Executive Branch, but if you oppose gay rights, you oppose gay rights. Ain’t nobody going to change your mind. Well, the president does get to nominate justices for the Supreme Court…hmmm.
I would like to hear what is going through the minds of people out there. I am going to go out on a limb here and tell you what concerns me in this election and I hope you will do the same. I don’t care who you are voting for, I just want you to tell me your concerns. What issues make you vote for who you plan on voting for?
My concerns are (in order of importance): environment, economy, the war(s), taxes, health care, our standing in the world and having some honesty back in government.
There you have it. Anyone else?
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Friday, September 26th, 2008
I just wanted to let my fine and honorable readers know that I will be unavailable tonight from 9PM to about 11PM. I will be downstairs watching the first presidential debate of 2008.
Due to my unavailability, I will not be taking phone calls, unless they are of emergency in nature. Oh please, like anyone calls me. Haha.
Does anyone else care about politics like I do? I mean, I don’t like politics, I get frustrated as much as the next guy from the whole circus. I like the drama. I like watching each campaign’s strategy and how they try to outwit the other. I don’t know, it gets me all wound up and ready to fight.
Ok, bye.
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Wednesday, September 10th, 2008
Even the sun is getting lower in the sky.
I just read an article about “Lipstickgate.” I am sure you know what I am talking about. Obama said, “You can put lipstick on a pig…” and McCain is allegedly crying about it. Well, this is what it’s come down to folks. While a friend of mine is waiting to see if his house will be foreclosed on, we are arguing about pigs wearing lipstick, 55 days away from the presidential election.
Now, let me first tell you that I have mixed feelings about the whole mortgage issue. I don’t feel like getting in to them here. My point is, the mortgage thing is a valid issue that we can and should be discussing instead of beautiful pigs. Catch my drift?
I remember waaaay back a few weeks ago, right after the Democratic National Convention, I told my mother that I was finally proud to be a Democrat. I wrote an email to an old colleague the same day and ended it saying, “It’s a great day to be a Democrat.” Man, it felt great to say that. After eight years of cowering in our unpatriotic caves, someone with some guts was standing up to all the nonsense in this country. Sure, I wasn’t flying one of those ridiculous little flags on my car, but I still felt proud and (finally) patriotic. We had a good ol’ fight on our hands.
Oh well, I should have known that sort of pride and confidence in politics wouldn’t last long. Now we have the tit-for-tat that will bring us all the way to another election day. Anything to stay away from the real issues, I suppose.
I have already been to the tennis club three times since I joined. I took one lesson and went to two clinics. There were about twelve people in the first clinic and four in the second. The clinics don’t give me as much individual attention as the private lessons, but they do keep me on top of my game. I also get the opportunity to meet and play against a wide variety of people, which is important. I like the clinics, but I think I prefer the private lessons more. My goal is to go to both the Wednesday and Saturday clinics and have one private lesson per week. I hope to also get some matches, or just hitting, in too. Without a doubt, I am having a good time, I just wish I was there more.
If you have been sneezing or have felt allergies more than normal lately, that may be because of our good friend, the Ragweed. Our other good friend, the Goldenrod usually gets blamed for the allergies, but it isn’t the most likely culprit, due to its heavy pollen. Both plants bloom at the same time, so it’s hard to tell which one is causing the issue.
I took this photo in the side yard this afternoon.
I have been thinking lately that I need some more clothes. I probably have enough, but they are getting kind of old looking. I was actually on the Old Navy website yesterday with my shopping cart full, when I started having second thoughts. I remembered back to my disappointment every time I buy something other than jeans from that place. The clothes really aren’t quality.
I left that website and went over to L.L. Bean’s website. I found a few things I like and then changed my mind again. I looked at a few of their models and thought I would have to stamp a big “L” on my forehead to wear some of that stuff. Why do their models look like such herbs? They need some new ones (call me).
I decided that it might be best to go out and buy some clothes in person. Maybe tomorrow we can take a trip up to the Prime Outlets in Lee, MA. Those are usually pretty good and I find good stuff up there. It’s not too far from here either. With the crisper air now, it can make for a good day.
Other than that, I am not sure anything too interesting is happening. Any questions?
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Sunday, January 20th, 2008
You always know it’s political season when you start hearing words that you have never heard before. Today’s word is “Kingmaker.” I must’ve heard this word about ten times last night, during the Nevada and South Carolina primary battles. That’s fine, I understand the media. They like this kind of stuff.
In this case, John Edwards was being referred to as the Kingmaker. I think they were saying that he is going to inadvertently help Hillary Clinton get the Democratic nomination. Ummm, kind of like Ross Perot helped Bill Clinton get elected president…twice. Hmmmm, genious. Only this time, I think it is nothing more that John Edwards’ ego that is doing all the work. You have to admit, the guy likes to hear himself talk.
Kingmaker or no kingmaker, I love politics. I was telling Laura last night that the political season is like my football or baseball (or whatever you are into) season. The only thing is that the political season seems to be lasting for an awful long time this time ’round.
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Friday, January 18th, 2008
I have been hearing a LOT of news lately about a recession. I think they (the media) have been talking about this for some time, but yesterday, they really hit hard.
If you didn’t hear about it, the Dow dropped around 300 points yesterday. Actually, the market has been sucking all week. Since yesterday, this is all the news in the news. It is beginning to make me wonder if it is actually the media that is making things worse.
I kind of know the way things work over at Wall Street. After all, I did answer one out of the six questions on my finance final in grad school and managed to pull off a B- in the class. I am not saying I even answered it correctly. That’s not bad. Anyway, the way things are supposed to work is by using plenty of data to make buying and selling decisions. I am sure this actually is the way things work most of the time, but day to day trading is heavily influenced by the media. I mean, perhaps if they didn’t talk about the flames at the bottom of the endless pit of doom so much, there wouldn’t be so many drops in the market. It’s almost like the trading floor is blasting CNN over some loudspeakers. The reason I am saying this is because I happen to listen to CNN all day as I work. I must’ve heard the same story about the impending mess of the economy about fifteen times today. Then of course, our President, George W. Bush, had to come on the gool ol’ television to promote a economic stimulation plan. I ain’t sure what another whoppingly huge $300 rebate check is going to do.
I must confess, when I was listing to our President, George W. Bush, I did agree whole-heartedly that we should cut taxes. I would like a flat tax, just like Mike Huckabee is proposing. I don’t care if these brilliant politicians can’t figure out how it is going to work…they are the ones who got us in the tax mess in the first place. I believe that if we weren’t shelling out 33% of our earnings to pay for wars and $4000 toilet seats, perhaps there would be some sort of restraint. I apologize, I got off track there.
All I am trying to say is that I think television, radio, the internet and everything else out there gets everyone so damn paranoid that they hide like a pearl in a clam’s mouth. Well, that’s not good.
Ok, bye.
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Thursday, November 29th, 2007
So I watched the Republican debate last night, live on CNN.com. I am not sure why I watched it…I guess I was interested in what they had to offer.
I have to say, some of it was interesting. They touched on some good issues, such as the war and fiscal policy. I was slightly pleased at that. They also touched on some really annoying things. The problem was that the candidates seemed to be trying to “out conservative” each other.
In the beginning, Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney got in a little (way overblown) tussle about illegal immigration. While the topic is legitimate, I am not sure how having a few unknown illegals doing some landscaping for you affects your judgement as president. Well, I suppose it all matters in Republican debates. There were a few ridiculously idiotic questions, such as, “Do you believe in every single word of the Bible?” and “What does the Confederate Flag mean to you?” I have to admit that I am disappointed that I will never get those few minutes of my life back. I guess I have to blame CNN for letting those questions through.
So people, there you have it. While the earth’s temperature steadily climbs, glaciers melt and wars rage, American television is asking potential presidential candidates whether or not they believe in every word of the Bible, verbatim.
Oh yeah, I almost forgot a really good one…”How many guns do you own and what kind are they?” Now that one was fabulous, just fabulous. What intellectual and stimulating conversation. I think even the candidates were rolling their eyes at that one.
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Tuesday, November 6th, 2007
So I drove down to the gas station this morning to get some cash, gas and coffee. I walked in the side door…the area where the old men are usually hanging out doing nothing. These are the type of guys who have lived in the area forever and burn their garbage in their backyards. The sweet smell of plastic fills the breezy air. This morning, there were about four of them. I am not sure what they were wearing, but I did notice camouflage hats and maybe a jacket. I really have nothing to say to these people, because we have nothing in common (I’m not just making this stuff up, I have actually seen it).
I walked over to the cash machine to do my thing and overheard a conversation between two of them. It went something like this…
“Yeah, you can move down to Tennessee today and get a house and only pay $250 a year in taxes. I might just do that.” “Yup, one thing’s for sure, I won’t be moving anywhere in New York.”
That conversation cemented my theory…eventually, rising taxes will squeeze certain people out of the area. I am not sure where they will relocate, but as long as it’s not where I am going, things will be fine. I just don’t like people who think they are living on this planet alone. Seriously, these people would shoot a buffalo in the head, ten feet away from your front porch.
So…on this election day, if you live in a dirty little town where no one wants to visit, vote for lower taxes. YEEEE HAAWWWWW.
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Monday, November 5th, 2007
The strangest thing just happened. I was just looking up…I don’t know what I was looking up, but I came across the “Americans for Ron Paul Blog” website. It seems as though people are really passionate about this guy. I do like him, so I have nothing bad to say. He is one of the two politicians I know who seem to tell the truth (Ron Paul and Dennis Kucinich).
Anyway, after I looked through that website, which seems to be run by decent folk, I hopped over to Digg to see today’s news. Well, wouldn’t you know it, the first article was, “Ron Paul To Break One-Day Internet Fundraising Record.” Now, that is pretty neat. I guess the whole correlation between politics and money doesn’t hold water? As far as I know, Ron Paul is at the bottom of every national poll, among Republicans. Why the heck isn’t this guy climbing?
As far as Dennis Kucinich is concerned, even though I love the guy, I know why he is at the bottom as well. I guess the people of this country have really gotten used to the same old politics. It also seems like good ‘ol Dennis is only using the campaign to talk about his issues, which is fine with me. Al Sharpton has been doing that for years.
Opinions?
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